Working mom VS stay at home mom. Let me tell you they are both a job and hard as hell. Recently I have had the privilege of being both types of “moms”.
Working mom: From the time you wake up till you go to bed, it’s non stop. Some days you feel like you lost the battle. Mom guilt for going to work, not being able to balance mom life, work and social life. And your still expected to have dinner on the table. Sure it’s nice to have some “freedom” and maybe have a hot coffee, but let’s be real, sometimes it just sucks. You feel me? Stay at home mom: Still a non stop job but now your just chasing a child around and trying to maintain your sanity and a clean house. There is more of an expectation to have the house perfect, dinner ready, but have you tried doing all this work a toddler? Winters are long, minutes feel like hours, and lets not forget feeling isolated and lonely at times. And yes, your coffee is always cold.
So what’s the consensus – forget working mom and stay at home mom, being a MOM is a non stop job and the harder job I’ve ever had. Thank you to @lovechildorganics for helping make being a mom a little easier, whether its being home or going to work, the products make my toddler healthy and happy. https://lovechildorganics.com/ @mariabudaphoto for the amazing shot
The weight, the expectations, and the part some people just don’t understand.
Being a new mom is hard. It’s dirty, it’s bags under your eyes, it’s wearing a gigantic diaper for a week, it’s sore nipples, it’s not knowing what the hell you’re doing. It’s walking out of the hospital with a new human thinking WTF, it’s trying to get your stroller open but you still don’t know how to work it. It’s never seeing friends, it’s seeing your partner but not exactly having quality time.
It doesn’t matter if you had an unplanned vs planned pregnancy, or if being pregnant is all you ever wanted, tried so hard and it finally happened. Being pregnant, giving birth, and having a child are all amazing experiences, but something I wish I would have known more about is the challenges and changes that a new mom faces. Not that this would deterred me from having a child, but at least I would have not set such crazy expectations and would have known that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way.
At first you will be on a high. Giving birth is an insane experience, your excited to meet the little one, family and friends are around, you get to use all your new things that you spent the year researching. It really hit me after a few days, once we were settled at home. You quickly realize your life has changed. You are no longer just you anymore, you are responsible for a little human 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
Overwhelmed, sore, sleep deprived, are just a few words that describe how you will feel the first few weeks or months in some cases. And yet this is what is expected from you:
Have family and friends visit – be sure to offer coffee
Look cute and put together – Instagram says so
Be fully functioning even though you woke up 5 times last time – its part of your job now
Love your new life as a mom – smile & be happy
Battle with feelings of depression and anxiety – but don’t let anyone know
Accept the changes in your life – because you signed up for this
Be ok that your social life is crumbling before your eyes
I’ll stop here because my list goes on and on…but you get the point. I really did try to be the perfect host, mom, wife, and tried to maintain my pre baby lifestyle, and for me I truly believe this was one of the causes of my postpartum depression.
The weight of being a new mom is extreme and in my opinion the support to help us just isn’t there. I can’t even tell you the numbers of times I found myself crying for no real reason. If you say you’re not enjoying it, you’re a bad mom, if you feel depressed, people judge you. Social media makes being a new mom seem glamorous and almost easy, and I caution you not to fall into this trap. It’s not glamorous, it’s complete opposite, and it’s a full time job. Yes I can get my shit together to take cute instagrammable photos, but most of the time I look like I just rolled out of a barn, hair in bun, track pants on, and likely have some type of food on my clothes.
As moms, we are expected to accept all these changes and carry on with with our lives like normal. The job as a mom is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. If you take anything from this post, I want you to know that it’s OK to not be OK. The more we can share and talk about these feelings the better off we will all be. There is no need to shame someone or judge someone. Each mom deals with things her own way, and yes there are some moms who have it easier than others. Let’s just be there to support each other and have each other’s backs along the way, we are in this together.
I want to thank my girls, my best friends and my lifelines.(Chrystal, Jaci, Allie) I wouldn’t have been able to get through the first year without you and I am so glad we were able to share this wonderful yet insane journey together. I was so fortunate to be pregnant with you girls and have our sons all born around the same time. And to my mom, I love you. She was there for me every step of the way and even helped deliver Jr. During my hardest moments my mom was there to lift me up. I would not have been able to do it without you, you are my rock.
So here is my confession, I only breastfed my son for one month and then called it quits. For the longest time I felt ashamed about admitting it when people asked. I used to cringe when someone would say “so are you breastfeeding”? And I still get somewhat awkward now when people ask me how long I breastfeed for.
Is this really a confession? A confession would mean that I did something wrong. For the longest time I did feel this way, but now I am ok with my decision and know it was the best thing for me. I decided that if I am going to be open and honest for my readers and support moms, I need to be honest about this topic and discuss my beliefs on it. So here we go.
Prior to giving birth to my son I didn’t have much thought around breastfeeding. I guess I just assumed it was expected. I packed my nipple cream and off we went to the hospital. In that crazy and amazing moment after giving birth, all I can remember was the nurse coming towards me with my son and pushing my sons head on my nipple. I was so caught off guard. In that moment I felt a sense of confusion. I was confused because no one actually asked me if I was breastfeeding. What if I wasn’t planning on breastfeeding? Why wasn’t the option to give formula offered? Yes, my plan was to breastfeed but I did not like how it was forced upon me in that moment.
My son ate like a champ the first night and I produced milk very fast. That night my nipples got the workout of a lifetime. While my nurse was teaching me the different breastfeeding techniques, I told her that I was thinking of breastfeeding and offering formula so he would get used of both, you should have seen the way she looked at me. She made me feel so ashamed for suggesting formula and basically said that it was my job as a mom to breastfeed.
So why did I only breastfeed for one month? I overproduced milk and no matter how much my son ate and how much I pumped I was in severe pain all the time. My son ate non-stop and I was pumping which caused more milk to be produced. For a month my breasts were rock hard, you couldn’t even fit a pin between them. My chest was burning hot and I couldn’t lift my arms to put a shirt on. I also developed a condition called mastitis. I really did try to keep going but the breast pain was so severe. I was feeling emotional, feeling disconnecting from my son, suffering from some postpartum depression, and felt lost.
During my first few months as a new mom, my own mother was my rock. She was by my side in the labour room where she literally helped me give birth and she continues to guide and support me as I raise my son. I remember a specific moment when she looked at me and said, “I think you should stop breastfeeding”. She could see I was suffering and it was affecting me physically, mentally and emotionally. All I needed was for my mom to give me her advice and that is when I decided to stop breastfeeding. My doctor also supported my decision to stop and reassured me that the formula that is made today provides excellent nutrition.
Did I feel ashamed at first? Of course. Family and friends would ask why I stopped and some even tried to convince me to keep going. I felt like I wasn’t a good mom, like I was letting people down, and that I wasn’t strong. I found myself, like I think we all do, comparing myself to others. When I saw other women enjoying breastfeeding I felt guilty because it was never really something I enjoyed.
Over the past year I have learned so much about myself and one thing that I truly believe is being allowed to make choices and decisions without being made to feel ashamed or guilty. The expectations surrounding breastfeeding puts an enormous amount of pressure on a new mom, especially first- time moms like myself. I am not denying that breastfeeding is beneficial and let’s face it it’s a hell of a lot cheaper, all I am saying is that it may not be for everyone. My hope is that new and expecting moms will read this and know that sometimes things don’t work out as planned and that everyone has the right to decide what they feel is best for their body. If you decide not to breastfeed or if it doesn’t work out for you, find comfort in knowing that it is ok and you are not alone.
The second you get married it is likely that most people will start asking the most annoying question ever, “when are you having a baby?” When you are dating someone you will be ask when the engagement is, when your married you will be asked when your having a baby, and when you have a baby you will be asked when your having another. ITS NUTS PEOPLE. I know it can be a topic of conversation or you may feel that it’s the burning question to ask, but don’t.
My husband and I tried for over a year to get pregnant. We thought we were having fertility issues, we got put on the list for IVF and it was an extremely stressful time in our lives. The last thing we wanted was people asking us was when we were going to have children, and as you can imagine, we were asked this questions ALL the time. There were times were I had to leave the room and go cry in a bathroom because the question made me feel so bothered. Eventually when all tests came back good and I had completed cycle monitoring, our issue was that I ovulated extremely late. Thankfully I was able to get pregnant but being asked this question at almost every function I attended was extremely frustrating. You don’t know what a couple is dealing with and in my opinion this question is not appropriate and can make a situation very uncomfortable.
One of the reasons I wanted to write this post is because lately the only question people ask me now is “when are you having another baby?”. ANOTHER BABY? I feel like my son just flew out of my vagina and I am suppose to be planning another baby?. I know when family and friends ask it comes from a loving place, but Im hardly out of the infant stage with my son and when I get asked the question it makes me feel like I want to scream.
The truth is we are not sure if we want another child but of course that is not the “ideal” answers others want to hear.
Whatever answer I have there is always a remark. If I say I don’t want another child, we get the only child speech, If I say we are waiting, I get the we aren’t young anymore speech. My real answer wants to be… how dare you ask me that question and please keep your comments and opinions to yourself. But of course I don’t say that, but I have found some ways to avoid the answer. I was blessed to have some of my best friends have children around the same time as me and we all get bombarded with this question and feel the same about it.
If your that person who just cant resist asking the question, here is why you should not:
The couple could be suffering from fertility issues and may be working through them. This will cause added stress to their already stressful situation.
1 in 6 couples suffer from fertility issues.
The couple may already know they cant have children and this could be a really sensitive issue.
There may be genetic or health concerns that may make the couples decision to have children more difficult.
The couple may simply not want children and are happy with their current situation. There is no need to make someone feel guilty for deciding they are happy without kids.
Having a child is very personal and what you may think is right does not apply to everyone.
Here are some answers I have used that I find work to shut the question down without getting into detail or getting mad and defensive:
Simply answer back, “great question” laugh and walk away.
If you are trying like I was I would answer: ” we are trying thanks for asking” I used this one all the time and it makes the other person realize they need to shut up.
“Ask me again in a few years” – change topic
Another thing I say is ” I dunno we will see”.
We all need to remember a few things. Firstly, times have changed. The pressure for woman today is insane. We are expected to have an education, have a career, get married and have a child, raise that child and continue to maintain a career. It’s a daily balancing act and if a woman wants to focus on only on her career, amen. Sometimes we just can’t or don’t want to do it all and that is ok.
Secondly, lets face it thing are expensive. To be able to purchase a home is almost impossible, and if you are lucky enough to have a home the reality is that expenses are high and most of us are working to pay for our things. Having a baby is expensive and the expenses just keep increasing as the baby grows. I am in the daycare stage now and let me tell you, it’s not cheap.
Lastly, lets not forget that infertility is a huge problem. The fertility business is booming and that does not mean good things for us. Its unfortunate but its a reality of what we are dealing with.
Let me leave you with this final point. No one actually needs one of the reasons I listed above to not want to have a child or to only have one. Children are amazing and a true blessing but they aren’t for everyone.
Think before you ask, or how about we make everyone happy and just don’t ask at all.
THE NAKED MAMA 