So here is my confession, I only breastfed my son for one month and then called it quits. For the longest time I felt ashamed about admitting it when people asked. I used to cringe when someone would say “so are you breastfeeding”? And I still get somewhat awkward now when people ask me how long I breastfeed for.  

Is this really a confession? A confession would mean that I did something wrong. For the longest time I did feel this way, but now I am ok with my decision and know it was the best thing for me.  I decided that if I am going to be open and honest for my readers and support moms, I need to be honest about this topic and discuss my beliefs on it. So here we go.

Prior to giving birth to my son I didn’t have much thought around breastfeeding. I guess I just assumed it was expected. I packed my nipple cream and off we went to the hospital. In that crazy and amazing moment after giving birth, all I can remember was the nurse coming towards me with my son and pushing my sons head on my nipple. I was so caught off guard. In that moment I felt a sense of confusion. I was confused because no one actually asked me if I was breastfeeding. What if I wasn’t planning on breastfeeding? Why wasn’t the option to give formula offered? Yes, my plan was to breastfeed but I did not like how it was forced upon me in that moment.

My son ate like a champ the first night and I produced milk very fast.  That night my nipples got the workout of a lifetime. While my nurse was teaching me the different breastfeeding techniques, I told her that I was thinking of breastfeeding and offering formula so he would get used of both, you should have seen the way she looked at me. She made me feel so ashamed for suggesting formula and basically said that it was my job as a mom to breastfeed.

So why did I only breastfeed for one month? I overproduced milk and no matter how much my son ate and how much I pumped I was in severe pain all the time. My son ate non-stop and I was pumping which caused more milk to be produced. For a month my breasts were rock hard, you couldn’t even fit a pin between them. My chest was burning hot and I couldn’t lift my arms to put a shirt on. I also developed a condition called mastitis. I really did try to keep going but the breast pain was so severe. I was feeling emotional, feeling disconnecting from my son, suffering from some postpartum depression, and felt lost.

During my first few months as a new mom, my own mother was my rock. She was by my side in the labour room where she literally helped me give birth and she continues to guide and support me as I raise my son. I remember a specific moment when she looked at me and said, “I think you should stop breastfeeding”. She could see I was suffering and it was affecting me physically, mentally and emotionally. All I needed was for my mom to give me her advice and that is when I decided to stop breastfeeding. My doctor also supported my decision to stop and reassured me that the formula that is made today provides excellent nutrition.

Did I feel ashamed at first? Of course. Family and friends would ask why I stopped and some even tried to convince me to keep going. I felt like I wasn’t a good mom, like I was letting people down, and that I wasn’t strong. I found myself, like I think we all do, comparing myself to others. When I saw other women enjoying breastfeeding I felt guilty because it was never really something I enjoyed.

Over the past year I have learned so much about myself and one thing that I truly believe is being allowed to make choices and decisions without being made to feel ashamed or guilty. The expectations surrounding breastfeeding puts an enormous amount of pressure on a new mom, especially first- time moms like myself. I am not denying that breastfeeding is beneficial and let’s face it it’s a hell of a lot cheaper, all I am saying is that it may not be for everyone.  My hope is that new and expecting moms will read this and know that sometimes things don’t work out as planned and that everyone has the right to decide what they feel is best for their body. If you decide not to breastfeed or if it doesn’t work out for you, find comfort in knowing that it is ok and you are not alone.