The second you get married it is likely that most people will start asking the most annoying question ever, “when are you having a baby?” When you are dating someone you will be ask when the engagement is, when your married you will be asked when your having a baby, and when you have a baby you will be asked when your having another. ITS NUTS PEOPLE. I know it can be a topic of conversation or you may feel that it’s the burning question to ask, but don’t.

My husband and I tried for over a year to get pregnant. We thought we were having fertility issues, we got put on the list for IVF and it was an extremely stressful time in our lives. The last thing we wanted was people asking us was when we were going to have children, and as you can imagine, we were asked this questions ALL the time. There were times were I had to leave the room and go cry in a bathroom because the question made me feel so bothered. Eventually when all tests came back good and I had completed cycle monitoring, our issue was that I ovulated extremely late. Thankfully I was able to get pregnant but being asked this question at almost every function I attended was extremely frustrating. You don’t know what a couple is dealing with and in my opinion this question is not appropriate and can make a situation very uncomfortable.

One of the reasons I wanted to write this post is because lately the only question people ask me now is “when are you having another baby?”. ANOTHER BABY? I feel like my son just flew out of my vagina and I am suppose to be planning another baby?. I know when family and friends ask it comes from a loving place, but Im hardly out of the infant stage with my son and when I get asked the question it makes me feel like I want to scream.

The truth is we are not sure if we want another child but of course that is not the “ideal” answers others want to hear.

Whatever answer I have there is always a remark. If I say I don’t want another child, we get the only child speech, If I say we are waiting, I get the we aren’t young anymore speech. My real answer wants to be… how dare you ask me that question and please keep your comments and opinions to yourself. But of course I don’t say that, but I have found some ways to avoid the answer. I was blessed to have some of my best friends have children around the same time as me and we all get bombarded with this question and feel the same about it.

If your that person who just cant resist asking the question, here is why you should not:

• The couple could be suffering from fertility issues and may be working through them. This will cause added stress to their already stressful situation.
• 1 in 6 couples suffer from fertility issues.
• The couple may already know they cant have children and this could be a really sensitive issue.
• There may be genetic or health concerns that may make the couples decision to have children more difficult.
• The couple may simply not want children and are happy with their current situation. There is no need to make someone feel guilty for deciding they are happy without kids.
• Having a child is very personal and what you may think is right does not apply to everyone.

Here are some answers I have used that I find work to shut the question down without getting into detail or getting mad and defensive:

• Simply answer back, “great question” laugh and walk away.
• If you are trying like I was I would answer: ” we are trying thanks for asking” I used this one all the time and it makes the other person realize they need to shut up.
• “Ask me again in a few years” – change topic
• Another thing I say is ” I dunno we will see”.

We all need to remember a few things. Firstly, times have changed. The pressure for woman today is insane. We are expected to have an education, have a career, get married and have a child, raise that child and continue to maintain a career. It’s a daily balancing act and if a woman wants to focus on only on her career, amen. Sometimes we just can’t or don’t want to do it all and that is ok.

Secondly, lets face it thing are expensive. To be able to purchase a home is almost impossible, and if you are lucky enough to have a home the reality is that expenses are high and most of us are working to pay for our things. Having a baby is expensive and the expenses just keep increasing as the baby grows. I am in the daycare stage now and let me tell you, it’s not cheap.

Lastly, lets not forget that infertility is a huge problem. The fertility business is booming and that does not mean good things for us. Its unfortunate but its a reality of what we are dealing with.

Let me leave you with this final point. No one actually needs one of the reasons I listed above to not want to have a child or to only have one. Children are amazing and a true blessing but they aren’t for everyone.

Think before you ask, or how about we make everyone happy and just don’t ask at all.